I don't like to denigrate anyone for their physical appearance … but. I make a special exception for eyebrows. Why? Because for several years, I walked around with horribly dark, Joan-Crawford-crazy eyebrows, happy as a clam, and didn't know any better until someone finally called me out on my forehead mess. Sometimes people walk out of their house thinking their eyebrows look good and they do not. Their attempts at on fleek grooming are just a little … off.
Let's start with something simple. Did anyone else have these eyebrows? I sure did. Did anyone tell you that they didn't look good? No one told me! I'm going to guess no one told this poor girl either. The sperm shape is, sadly, a sometimes necessary evil. It popped up a lot in the late '90s and early '00s as the thin eyebrow trend was slowly replaced with a thicker, more natural look. In between, there's just … this.
I don't … I don't know what this is. Is back-combing eyebrows a thing? And yet I feel envious because her eyebrows are so long. She could practically braid her brows!
This is sad. This girl is really lovely – gorgeous lips, beautiful eyes, warm skin tone, and it looks like her natural brows have an excellent shape. And yet there are two frowny faces over her eyes. Why? Why?!
So, this poor girl's picture pops up during every discussion about bad eyebrows, and I kind of feel bad for perpetuating it, but look. Don't ever do this. The weird spermy shape isn't the only problem here, there are also some definite shaping issues, and the sad thing is that her natural brows look thick and lovely.
Everything here is just a little too extreme. These are tattooed on, I think, which is fine – awesome, even, and totally understandable if you spend a ton of time of your eyebrows every day – but you can't … I mean … you just have to be so careful about the shape. I feel like this wouldn't be quite so bad if the tops weren't just … straight across, almost.
No, seriously. Doing your eyebrows straight across just makes you look mad. You look like Squidward all the time. Also, remember, the bridge of your nose exists for many, many reasons. Don't bridge the gap with eyebrows.
I have no idea what this lady used, but she needs to get her money back. Drawing on your eyebrows is cool. Making them a little thinner or thicker with your product of choice is cool. This is not cool. What is that, a Sharpie? An eyeliner marker?
I honestly don't know which one is her natural eyebrow. I think the lower arches are her brows, yes? Actually, this would be an epic look for a night out if everything was just a little softer and … well, it would help if all four arches weren't black.
These are just too dark, too dramatic, too extreme – too much. If she eased up a little and softened the color there in the corners, her brows wouldn't be quite so bad.
I totally get wanting to make your eyebrows thicker, especially if they're sparse, patchy, or uneven. In fact, in my Joan Crawford days, I ended up with eyebrows quite like this. I feel this girl. But look past all that thick, black mess – how gorgeous are her natural brows?
So, let's establish the fact that thin lines rarely look good – regardless of current trends or anything. Let's also please agree that whatever you do with your eyebrows, don't freehand. Not even one time.
What I mean is, the quest for thick brows has to stop somewhere. Don't color your brows all the way up your forehead. At the very least, stop if you notice that you can see your natural brow through your pencil, powder, or gel. Follow the lines!
Every time I see this picture, I try to convince myself it's a joke. A goof. A bad photoshop fail. Something, anything, to explain how anyone could ever think that making their eyebrows start in the middle of their eyes could possibly look good. I mean, it makes your forehead look bigger, it causes the bridge of your nose to look massive, and it creates the illusion that your eyes are way too far apart.
So, sharp arches are awesome. I love well-defined arches. Technically speaking, these are also well-defined. However, if your eyebrows start looking like a Z, stop. Just stop. That being said, though, I kind of dig this girl's eye makeup. Those lower lashes are tight.
These are so close to looking good. So close. A little less color, a little less arch, a little less “omg, SURPRISE!” and they'd really frame this lovely girl's face.
This is why you always want to be careful when you're choosing an eyebrow color. Black, by the way, is almost never a good choice. Going too dark will make your eyebrows look way too stark and fake, which can mess up even the most flawless makeup job.
So these … these are something. Too thin, too arched, too dark. Are these tattooed, do you think? I see so many badly tattooed eyebrows and I don't understand because I mean, I quadruple-check my tattoos for spelling errors. Wouldn't you want to pay at least that much attention to your eyebrows? That ink goes on your FACE.
Haha, get it? Because she filled in her eyebrows so much that they're taking up … half of her … her forehead, and … yeah. I'll show myself out.
So, here's the thing. This woman is gorgeous and her eyebrow application is actually pretty on-point – wait, hear me out. I say that because she clearly has her strokes down. She just took it a little too far. And a little too high. And a little too thick.
At this point, I don't think you can even rely on your expressions ever again.
I'm serious. Is it a joke? Is this picture a satirical statement on ridiculous beauty trends? Is this really happening? Is this forever?
So I've been guilty of sperm brows, thin brows, and Joan Crawford brows. Let me know if you've committed any eyebrow faux pas – or feel free to tag repeat offenders. Sometimes we just need a little critique if we want to be on fleek.
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